Saturday, October 2, 2010
University life.
It’s a strange and wonder experience that I’ve quickly adapted to (ok maybe not so much the 6am starts, but they’ll grown on me....well at least the energy drinks will) New people, new setting, new format and teaching approach. With so much new, and so little of my past life to cling onto, I’d thought it would be hard to find my way and carve my own path. Granted it isn’t easy, nothing worthwhile ever is, but through the hell, pain and torture of what tertiary education can be and thrust you against, one thing has remained constant. The fact that friends can pull you through.
There is so much you can do as an individual, you can work as hard as you can, never miss a lecture (haha ok SOME of us never miss a lecture....but....it’s not exactly compulsory so don’t judge XD) always be determined and never leave your desk, but in the end, without people to share your experiences with, without someone there you can talk to, rely on or just have a general conversation with, everything else just seems....bland, almost pointless. After all when we graduate (not saying IF because I know we’re all capable of doing it) we are entering a world where human contact is inevitable. The people we know today will most likely be a great part of our lives in the future, these bonds we create could last a lifetime, and some have already endured years and years.
We are all homo sapiens. We thrive on partnership and yearn for connections and contact. The ones we create, and even destroy, define us and the society in which we contribute to. Keep making new friends, but never forget the old. Each has a meaning, a purpose and a bears possibilities and support beyond comprehension. It’s just how it works sometimes.
Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief.-- Swedish proverb
When pieces of life’s puzzle don’t add up, it can completely throw us into a whirlpool of confusion and doubt. All that we thought we knew shrivels up and doubt hardens the remains into unrecognizable pulp. So how else do we complete the puzzle? Share your load perhaps, as the more eyes and minds at work the better picture created of what is missing and what is there.
People deal with their problems differently, they handle situations differently, the respond differently. It’s what makes us who we are, and what we become. Life shapes us with experience, whilst decision and responsibility chisel away slowly at our childhood selves, revealing an older and seemingly wiser person that although may be just as lost and scared of the world as that child that was hidden within, is now more capable of seeing life in a new light and even change it, given the knowledge we’ve acquired. The good, the bad and the things that make absolute no sense. A lot of us looked forward to growing up, yearning freedom and opportunity. Yet now, when the time has come, we would give anything to stay a kid, where the world revolved around what was on Cheese TV, where you worried about nothing except who was ‘it’ during recess games of tag, where you could so easily forgive and forget and when such simplistic things could make you smile all day. But time is fleeting yet eternal. Things change, people move on, life continues. Nothing lasts as much as we hope it will. However, life is how you perceive it. It is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal with it.
The sight of a sunset can still calm you, the sounds of laughter, a smile from a stranger; they can all still make you smile. Life doesn’t lose its magic as we leave our childhood fantasies, it is merely hidden and shrouded in .TRUE magic needs to be searched and treasured when found, but needs to be let go when required. Never think that life is not miraculous. Sometimes it just needs a little bit of wonder, a little bit of hope, a little bit of speculation, a little bit of yearning and effort to find it. But once you have, it can restore your faith in this reality of the real ‘adult’ world. In time, we may even be able to find such magic moments as easily as we do texting a friend, or daydreaming during a lecture.
Given so much to grasp and grapple with at our age, for it’s a time when we try so desperately to hold onto our past whilst being thrust into our future, it’s no wonder many of us live in a state of confusion. But slowly, and surely, with more pieces of the puzzle we find, the complexity of life emerges and although we cannot go back, something (is it a sense of responsibility? Curiosity? Awe?) drives us to continue this never ending enigma.
Maybe finishing the puzzle isn’t the point, since we all know that sometimes the more pieces we find, the more gaps emerge. Maybe, we try so hard to not only hold onto the hope of finally seeing the finished product and finding some sense, but to learn how fit the pieces together.
Pain and time swirl together within me in a whirlpool of emotion. The world is silent but all I can hear is weeping. Hearts breaking.
What do you do when something precious is taken away from you so suddenly? I don’t know. I wish I did. Then maybe, just maybe, I could heal these wounds of mine, and the wounds of those I love so much. But sometimes in darkness, even love loses its warmth. In darkness pain is all that exists. Tears are the waters of life. Questions lie undisturbed. Answers are a mere concept.
Lost. Confused. What to do, what to think. I am numb, yet I feel everything, every twitch, every tear that falls to my feet. Every other sounds are muted, expect for the sound of gentle splashes against oaken floors. I do not even bother wiping them away. All this suffering merely means that what I lost meant something to me. Something special. I’ve counselled many, offered my shoulder and advice, but now that I’m on the receiving end, I seem to have trouble accepting my own words. I can feel them caught up in my throat, but I push on.
What do I do? What can I do, but wait for this pain to go away, and the memories to replace them. The sun is now rising, but I cannot see its light, nor feel its warmth. For now my only hope is for these tears to run out, for the weeping in the next room to quieten, for the hurt to numb into nothing, for something,
Maybe the pain is just here to represent the value of this gift that I once had but now slipped away. I cry because of what I’ve lost, and I ache because I remember what I had.
Time is trickling through into oblivion, each second, each moment slipping away. Sometimes we realize it. Other times we don’t. Time is what defines us. Without it, we cease to exist, and we cease to matter. Time, or lack thereof, is what defines life and death, it defines what we prioritize and defines how we act to influence others and the world. Time is uncontrollable yet the things we do in the time we are given is completely up to us, the individual. Sometimes it takes a loss to realize that.
I can feel and see rays peeking out from behind the parting clouds, lighting up the sky once more as the world descents into dusk. I sense you smiling back down at us. I can picture it now; the stars are the twinkle in your eye when you laughed. The echo of a laugh I will never hear again, but a smile that will be forever etched in my heart mind and soul.
Dear the “best person on earth” :P haha ur wish is my command :P JKS! Nah, I’ve been meaning to update, but as life would have it, things get in the way, and time slips through your fingers. Sometimes, you don’t get what you plan to do done; sometimes, what you expect is not what you actually end up with. Ah the mysterious of life, so do we plan for life or not? You know that feeling, when you have it all planned out in your head, what you’re going to say, what you’re next move is going to be, but then, in the end, it turns out completely different from what’s imagined. So the point of planning? To silence our conscience? To grasp onto that tiny little hope that things might turn out the way you want? There comes a time in life where one has to make a decision. Not easy, but as inevitable as the hands of time ticking. But being so inexperienced, since most have not yet ventured into society, seen the world in all its beauty and/or viciousness, we don’t know what to expect. Well, I don’t anyway. What is to say that I will be happy in the future about my choices that I make now? What is to say I will even make the right choice? such unbounded number of choices can ironically limit us, or unleash our limitless growth depending on how we view and approach them - as an obstacle or challenge. For those who view this sea of decisions and choices, as a body of ravenous waters of crashing waves that could consume you with its sheer weight, you’re half right. But despite the dauntingly murky waters, it can be transformed into a dazzling aquamarine jewel reflecting a world of possibilities and brimming with life. I watch the rain pattering outside, the grey mist hovering across the land, cloaking its strangely mystical sense of serenity as it quenches the thirst of those billowing trees or delicate flowers who reach for it. From the seemingly grey nothingness, comes life. Comes growth. Behind every nothing, there is something if we care to look. Behind every curtain is a scene that’s part of the greatest play in your life. After every storm, comes a rainbow. After every star studded night, comes the promise and miracle of a sun rise. We may not have all the puzzle pieces; we may not have all the answers. But then again, when will we ever? Though what we do have and know is this:Life is ever changing; so know that the light that clears the murky waters will come like the rays of dawn after what may seem to be a never-ending night.
Que Cera, cera (a fav quote from someone :) Google it :)
Yes, yes, I know, life is a crooked road with many detours, all to an universal final destination.
“Welcome home” broadcasted the static announcement. Well this place may not be my actual home, but those words nevertheless struck a sensitive chord, especially when I stepped in the doors of my grandma to see her. The years between us melt away and I am happy knowing she is too. Speaking of family, I can’t wait for Chinese New Year. Preparing the food and festivities this year is up to my mum and I (BIGGG mistake, we obviously underestimated the amount of time and food all our relatives and guests eat :/) and being my first CNY in mainland China, this would no doubt be a special occasion.
Oh, and did I ever mention shopping for Chinese New Year is insane? Not the ordinary boxing day sale either, but think more along the lines of cramming the entire population of a large suburb into a single double story grocery store/mall. Walking is hazardous. Walking with a trolley is unthinkable. Walking with a trolley and looking after a 6 year old – near impossible and is pushing multitasking to the extreme. But I suppose it’s all part of the festivities, the spirit, especially when you see every building and every shop cloaked in vibrant red and gold decorations of delicate but powerful tigers (it’s year of the tiger this year for those who have yet to realize) or intense and extravagant messages of good fortune and hope for the new year. As the lunar New Year (as well as Valentines’ day) draws nears, excitement brews in the eyes of old and young, the traditional and contemporary for this is our culture, the biggest day of the year. And to celebrate it together is what it’s all about.
Oh also I just found out we can have fireworks and fire crackers! Now I DEFINITELY can’t wait! Haha
SNOWWWWWW
lol yes I must say I have quite a soft spot for this white powdery form of purity and joy :) Coincidently the second day in Beijing I was out on the streets while the snow began to fall. At first only a couple of flakes floated to the surface, melting before it could remain on the cold cement path. Though not long after, one haircut/perms length of time to be precise, the snow came drifting down hard and steady. Looking up at the grey sky above with flecks of ice sifting down from the heavens to coat the city in a layer of white (well most on the roads/paths became grey as we are in Beijing after all) Even now I watch outside my frosty window to see a thick blanket threatening to envelope the entire city in its icy midst, a sense of serenity overflows and stress seems to evaporate away like the steam from my tea. It’s little moments like these that make life magical. Ok, it doesn’t take much for me, but why should it? These small pauses in our day to day schedule, these portions of time that remind us that life need not be so complicated to make us content. Oh! Speaking of simple pleasures, yuan xao is ready =D yummo
Just as a quick summary because I’m in a rush of my trip: :) Of many firsts, and a few lasts, of many wondrous moments that I will always cherish.
· Buying fireworks and all sorts, shapes and sizes. I’m like a kid at a candy shop, except everything here explodes. =D
· Setting firecrackers, sparklers the size of your arm and fireworks. REAL fireworks =D (all legally of course)
· Almost getting caught in a bombardment of lit firecrackers after mum didn’t throw it away far enough :/
· Decorating a tiny apartment and draping the place with ornaments and lanterns of a bright festive red and gold (and seeing the expressions of relatives as they stand in awe of my ability to balance on three chairs to reach the ceiling)
· Having my first Tuan Yuan Fan – quite literally translated to ‘Uniting Meal.’ A colourful array of steaming delicious dishes and of course dumplings at midnight. Even in this day and age, some traditions are still followed, refining our culture by keeping a little bit of the past in the present.
· The smiles shared when my grandma won over us in mah-jong. Several times. In a row. Note she is around 95, and we as her opponents range from 18-60 D:
· When memory and reality starts to slip away, a simple conversation, a simple calling of my name means the world from her lips. And the fact that we had a long talk after so long melted away the decades of time between us. Just a talk, about everything nothing and anything. Apparently it had been a while since she was this talkative and upbeat.
· Watching my little nephew grow into a, granted annoying as hell, but strong minded boy
· My first perm (lol yes I thought I had to put it in, XD after all it apparently makes me look different :S )
· Getting caught in a mini snow storm and catching a snowflake in my mouth. That was before I remembered I was in China and proceeded to try and clean my tongue :S Never doing that again.
· Saw a crime scene. Frozen blood on the streets near a shopping centre surrounded by police.... Not a good sight.
· Going to Hong Kong – the bustling city of endless shops, people, food and commotion. A city that not only never sleeps, but acts like it’s overdosed on caffeine. Also realized shops don’t open till 10am....
· Watching my family, from 5 years old to 95, and everything in between, coming together from all over the world to celebrate this one day.
· Tasted sea urchin D: Forced ok....and no it unfortunately doesn’t taste like chicken. Unless this chicken was wearing spiked armour and forgot to bathe....
· Visiting Tian An Men during snow fall against the dusk backdrop, and feeling sorry for the soldiers still standing there in the freezing cold.
· Saying goodbye
Friday, January 1, 2010
Note: for those who havn;t realized yet, if you click close to the text of this post, you will be able to scroll down :) Dw I’m getting a new background, when and if I figure out how to either unzip files or find one that works -.-“ any ideas coz the code still isn’t working :S But anyway....
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!
As we welcome 2010 with a bang, as well as accompanied by nature’s own brilliant fireworks and free showers for all, I’ve managed to split my time between spending it with friends and family - the greatest gift of all. Granted the weather was horrible and we missed the fireworks in the city (as well the ones that decided to stay moderately dry) mucking around and enjoying each other’s company was truly more than I could’ve asked for. After all, the best moments in life are always shared.
In amongst the frantic dash from Hakka in the pouring though rather refreshing rain and pseudo (or real.... ;) ) stalkers that were following us back to a friend’s place, we managed to farewell the last remaining hours of last year with mixing ‘sparkling Ribinna,’ (yum ^^) mah-jong, Mario games and insulting the hell out of a Hannah Montana skateboard (oh a night is just never complete without that :P) and soon enough, 2009 was but a passing shadow of dancing lights, a lingering scent of quite possibly the hardest year we (well for me anyway) had to endure with everything that had happened, an everlasting stain faded away by the rains of the new year.
Now, sitting here with family watching my favourite show wrapped in a blanket, a cup of hot tea (that’s NOT so strong it looks completely black and bitter....>.>) listening to the rain and typing this during the VERY long ad break, I feel....I dunno, at peace. Content. I may not know what will happen in the future, and I never will. I may not know the answers to so many, if not all, of the questions that dwell within me, those and circling questions that keep me awake at night. I may still fear, I may still falter, but I’ve come to accept that. Since from the little I do know, I know this - that as long as I am willing to take that step forward, or to clamber back up after falling down, my journey and change will never cease, and as long as I keep the faith and the hope, I will still have a chance at living and sharing the life I desire.
And now to round things off, here’s a virtual toast to everyone :)
Cheers!
To the people we were, are and will become.
To where ever we may go and whatever we may do.
To the friends both old and new that we share, meet and keep
To good health, and good choices,
To the new year of 2010, where we begin to take our next big step,
Where we are given another chance reach for our dreams, another chance for us to get it right.
Wishing everyone a wonderful 2010 full of happiness, strength and success, a time where we may reach for the stars and if you’re into that kinda thing, your new year’s resolution stay true. :)
Monday, December 14, 2009
So how do I feel after knowing the results of 13 years of education? 13 years of learning and experiences that have molded us into the people we are today. So what does each of us feel like, look like after crawling out of the VCE pool? Granted I’m a lil wrinkled or older for those who are literal :P, a lil tired and a lil wiser. Though one word does also spring to mind: Relief.
This major milestone to mark an end of a chapter and start of another. This moment built upon what seems like one of the few chances we truly have at controlling our fate, our future – it’s past….it’s OVER. By the tears and sweat shed over the years, this is what it comes down to. As I look around, some people are accepting, some disappointed, some ecstatic, some mellow, and I wonder the true value of this....score.
Often when life closes a door we are too focused on the opportunity lost than seeing the door that has opened for us. Sometimes, it’s a blessing in disguise, you just never know. I know this is cliché, but there IS truth in every overused phrase like this one: It’s not the end of the road, but the beginning. This feeble (though seemingly not yet) number will be so insignificant this time next year that you’ll forget about Doomsday. And although these four digits, though over glorified, there is nevertheless still a part in everyone of us that wants to get the highest, call it striving for perfection if you will, despite knowing the fact that the number itself is not an accurate representation of the whole person OR how far they’ll go in life.
It doesn’t show how well you can interact with people, how trustworthy, loyal, kind or compassionate you are. It doesn’t show how funny you are, how witty, able to run a business; talk up a deal or out of a problem. It doesn’t show you if you are a good person, or if you’re more on the....evil side :P All these traits are beyond academic boundaries play just as much of a part in being a successful and respectable person, yet they aren’t assessed at all. Instead, we are pitted against each other to see who can retain the most in the least amount of time. Although I love learning, I HATE learning solely for the sake of a test/exam, but I guess you can’t always do what you want in life. We are more than what this makes us out to be. If words can barely begin to describe us as a WHOLE BEING, this doesn't even scratch the surface.
But for now, to those who may be floating in a sea of discontent, annoyance or what ever it may be, I know disappointment can be the hardest thing to deal with. The notion of knowing you could’ve done better is haunting, but the deadliest three words that can destroy our souls are: could’ve, would’ve, should’ve. There is no cure for regret, but there are ways in overcoming such adversaries: understand that the choices you make are based on your situation at the moment.
Regret comes when you look back on an event, and wish you had known then what you know now. However, if you were to accept the fact that for the most part, we all do the best we can with what we have at any given moment, learn from your mistakes and move on, the numbing sensation we call regret fades away in time. Life is too short to waste time regretting what you can't change.
We may not be able to do anything about what has already happened, the past that has been set in stone, but what we do with what we have , the hand we have been dealt, shows the true artistry of living – being able to adapt and find a path of our own is the hardest, but most important thing in life. If you want something that badly, you will find a way, a path will show itself. If not carve your own. NEVER give up on your dreams, they may be all you have left in this cruel world of reality and truth, but always remember that there is more than one way to reach the stars :)
But, all in all, to everyone who’s reading and that this is applicable to:
CONGRATULATIONS! For surviving and doing the best we could in each of our circumstances. Congratulations on reaping the fruits you’ve rightfully sown. And Thank you for sharing this journey with me, I wouldn’t have been able to do it without all of you. :)
Though we may not have all our answers, we are free! ^^
